Caring for someone
One step at a time. That's the only way through.
You're already doing the hard part: being present, being awake, being on the phone with the hospital at 11pm. Below is what to do with the small windows of time you have left.
The order matters.
We get asked variations of this question every week. The list below is what we tell our own friends. The first two steps are urgent. The rest can be done over weeks, not days.
- 01
Find out what they already have on paper.
Before you buy or sign anything, look. Most parents have at least a will somewhere. Often it's in a fireproof box, sometimes in a desk drawer, occasionally with a lawyer they used in 1998. Ask: 'Mom, do you have a will, and where is it?' Then ask the same about a healthcare directive. You'd be surprised how often the answer is yes, and the document is fine.
- 02
Get a healthcare proxy signed in the next 24–72 hours.
If they are in hospital or facing a surgery, this is the most urgent piece of paper in the building. The hospital social worker has a state form. They can witness it. Without it, doctors will turn to whoever the state defines as next-of-kin, which may not be the right person.
Read more → - 03
Locate or update the will.
If they have one and it's older than ten years, or pre-dates a divorce or a death of a beneficiary, it likely needs an update. If they don't have one and they're still able to sign one, an online service or estate attorney can do this in days, not months. If capacity is failing, talk to an attorney about whether they can still legally sign. This is a question of law, not your judgment.
Read more → - 04
Make a list of accounts and bills.
Bank, brokerage, retirement, life insurance, mortgage, utilities, streaming subscriptions, the storage unit nobody told you about. You don't have to take over them yet. You just need to know they exist. Most caregivers we talk to find one or two surprises. One person we know found out their dad had been quietly paying for a second phone line for an estranged brother for fifteen years.
- 05
Decide who is doing what among the siblings.
One person handles medical, one person handles money, one person handles logistics. It almost never works to have everyone in on every decision. Have the conversation early. Write it down. Yes, even if you all get along.
- 06
When the time comes, you'll want a funeral plan in writing.
Cremation or burial. Service or no service. Where. Who pays. We'd rather you have this written down on a sheet of legal paper than have nothing because you were waiting for a perfect form.
Read more →
Get the paperwork in place.
These four pages explain what each document does, what it costs, and how to get it signed when the person you're caring for can still sign. Doing them in this order saves you the most pain.
Advance directive
The proxy and living will. Most urgent. State forms are usually free.
Will (and maybe trust)
If they don't have one, talk to an attorney about capacity to sign before going online.
Funeral or cremation
Their wishes, in writing, signed. Even on legal paper. Saves a fight later.
Final expense policy
Less useful at this stage; most policies require some health screening, but worth checking.
A few things worth reading tonight.
Pick one. They're meant for the kind of evening when you've finally got an hour and a cup of tea and the house is quiet.
Living will vs healthcare proxy: which do I actually need?
Almost always both. The five questions to ask the person you love before they sign.
The cost of dying in America in 2026
Funeral, cremation, probate, plot. Median prices by region, with sources, so you can budget.
What to do when someone dies: a 15-step checklist
A long, calm checklist for the first hours, the first week, and the first month.
Questions caregivers ask us most.
My mom is in hospital tonight. What is the most urgent paper? +
The healthcare proxy. Ask the unit nurse or social worker for your state's advance directive form. They will witness it. This single piece of paper decides who doctors call when a decision needs making.
My dad won't talk about any of this. What do I do? +
Don't try to do it all in one conversation. Most people we know got there by asking one small question over dinner: 'If you were ever in a coma, who would you want making medical calls?' That sometimes opens the door. If it doesn't, document what you know and watch for the moment when his health makes the topic feel less abstract.
Should I get power of attorney? +
Probably yes, if your parent agrees and is still capable of signing. There are two: financial (lets you pay bills, sell property) and medical (often called healthcare proxy). They are separate documents. They cost $0 from the state form, or a few hundred from an attorney.
Can I be paid for caregiving? +
Sometimes. Through Medicaid programs in most states, through long-term care insurance policies that have a 'cash benefit' option, and through written family caregiver agreements. This is one of the things we strongly suggest you talk to an elder-law attorney about, because the rules vary state by state and getting it wrong can cost Medicaid eligibility.